People confuse me. Things do not. Undeniably to me-movies, clothes, music, food, art and books they make me satiated. They encompass the feelings of joy, sadness, suspense, bewilderment, and romance. Thats what they give to me. The empathy with these material goods are very real. i question whether or not i need people. Friends and Family. family are my friends. the biological family always felt like something i was obligated to but the payout was terrible. friends are a mixed bag. yet a really great movie is not going to pick out all the marshmallows from a box of Lucky Charms and give it to you. A really great book is not going to write letters to you from far away to make you feel you are indeed missed. A great painting is not going to take care of you when you are very sick. A song is not going to pick you up from work to go to dinner. All of the material things i love are a sense of escape. when i feel i am too sensitive for the world right now, give me a break please. thats where i go. many a time, when i am not eloquent enough to express how it feels when my heart could not take another hit, where i need an alternate space to breathe, a movie helps. a long walk helps too. when i think no one could possibly understand a certain void, a song consoles me. family-i always wished i had a friend that didnt have a family. so during thanksgivings, xmases and mothers day, there will be somebody to hang out with. with the liberties of an dysfunctional comes with a price. friends-i have some of the most bestest friend anybody could ever ask for. i just wished it could have lasted longer. my sister once said to me that for someone without any talent, i was filled with too much confidence. true. i think i have a pretty voice. i think i am kinda pretty, at least decent looking. i am kinda smart. i am "nice". i know quite a bit about movies and movie stars. i self taught myself alot of chinese. i could cook. i could hold my own in various conversations. all that may be true and yet it takes so little to feel bad about yourself. you gained weight. i realize i lost half my hair in just a few years with some stupid medical condition that will harm me. and its a stupid medical condition that its not serious that you deserve pity or whining rights, just another reminder how far from "enough" you are. i got bags under my eyes that frightens me. my nails are wretched. i barely passed school. my room is a mess. it is all vanity. yet somehow i always associated myself with really perfect fingernails. and not thats gone, and i feel damn, it was something so small but it was mine. the confidence had nothing to do with me believing i am wonderful etc but in that i believe in self preservation. i am the only one that could destroy me. | 
